Painful Pit-Stops...

by Fred Schumann (reprinted from the Pacific Strider, 3rd Qtr 93)

Have you ever been on a run when you really had to use a restroom? I am talking about having to go so badly that it is painful just to take another step. Sure you have. You're only human. It always happens in the darndest places, too, where there are no restrooms and no boonies to jump into. You've got to keep running and look like there is nothing wrong although your form may look like Charlie Chaplain's. Your running partners are no help either.

As I ran through Tamuning with a friend, I discreetly told him of my need to find a restroom very soon. I told him how badly I had to go and that the running was making things worse. So what did my friend do? He surged on me and then turned around to wave, yelling, "Come on Schumann, pick it up!" This was done after he got about forty yards on me and was in front of a large audience in a parking lot. I did my Charlie Chaplain shuffle in front of the captive audience.

I remember another time when it happened to me while I was out for a morning run with another friend in Japan. All of a sudden, I had to use the benjo (restroom). Now, if you are familiar with Japanese cities, you know how difficult it is to find restrooms or boonie areas. Well, I was in luck! I found a patch of bamboo next to a road up ahead so I jumped into the area and told my friend to stand guard in case anybody came up on the road. As I was going about my business in the bamboo, I heard some commotion down by the road. When I peered through the bamboo thickets, I saw a group of about 39 elementary school students wearing yellow caps straining their little necks as they were looking up toward me. My "friend" was saying to them in Japanese, "I just saw a monkey up there in the bushes. Can you see it?" Now all sixty eyes were looking up toward me as I quickly jumped out of the thicket and sprinted the next mile out of sight.

Another incident occurred during a run in Gunnison, Colorado. Gunnison is a beautiful place for running with a number of great trails and scenic views. I was out on a long trail run away from town on this particular run. This time I figured that I would not have any trouble in case I had to go. I was wrong. I saw an area with a bunch of sage brush that looked like a good sheltered area for a natural restroom [Ed. note: only a runner can survey nature with such perspective!]. As I jumped into the sage with both hands on the waistband of my shorts, I was met with the tail end of two skunks! Both tails were pointing straight up at the heavens and ready to pump out some of their perfume. Needless to say, I got the hell out of there fast. I was at 8000 feet above sea level, but I sprinted as fast as I could for as long as I could, with my eyes popped out about two inches from there sockets.

What can one do to avoid these problems? If you are like me, you should stay in the Tumon area where you don't have the skunks and you have plenty of restrooms in the hotels. Just be sure that you are not running with a friend who speaks Japanese and has a tendency to play practical jokes.